All I wanted

All I wanted was for my anxiety to go away.

But who was I without my anxiety? What was my identity? For 23 years, I was the girl with anxiety, that’s who I was, that’s what drove me, motivated me to keep going, to keep moving forward even when my head felt like it was going to explode.

But I was moving in fear. Fear of the unknown.

Growing up, it showed up as fear of not getting good grades. But this fear didn’t come from parental expectations or anything like that… it came from me.

I feared not getting an A because that was who I was. I was the smart girl. And those great results? They fueled the beast.

With every A handed back to me, it gave me an instantaneous jolt of satisfaction. A false sense of purpose… but it was oh so real at the time.

And boy, did I crave that external validation. 

It validated my anxiety, the intrusive thoughts telling me to redo a worksheet again and again even though I knew I already knew the material. I had convinced myself that this meticulous studying is how I was able to get good grades (because who the hell was I to think I could actually just be a smart human…).

Getting good grades gave me reassurance that I was doing something right, that my anxiety had a purpose. That no matter how lost I was, how confused I was that a boy didn’t text me back, how frustrated I was with my weight, how annoyed I was with my anxiety (ironic, I know)… I knew that if I forced myself to endlessly study I would get the result I wanted. I had control.

At least this was one area of my life I could do something about, that I could count on. Something I could do "right." Something tangible that made me feel worthy.

So then the big question becomes: If anxiety has been the main driver of our success for most of our lives… will we still be successful in what we do if we start adopting a more relaxed MO? Will we still achieve what we set out to achieve?  

The answer is unknown. But that's NOT because without your anxiety you'll become this lazy butt who doesn't have any drive to get anything done.

It’s because your definition of success is likely to change when stress isn't your main source of motivation to keep going. You suddenly have more space in your head to take a second, step back, and ask yourself if you actually even want to get to the destination that you're doing all of this work to try to get to.

Do you even want that promotion? Or do you want that promotion because it's the obvious next step in the path you're currently on and there is satisfaction in advancement and external recognition?

Maybe you truly DO want that promotion and you like the industry and company you're working for. But will you be good at your job if your stress isn't guiding you toward success… and will you like what you do as much if you're not as good at it?

Here’s where the overwhelm comes in. If you find that you don't feel satisfied or fulfilled in what you're currently doing, then that must mean you have to start all over and reevaluate your entire life. Which sounds super daunting in itself to even think about.

Thus, we actively choose not to think about it. Because if we stay where we are, that means we don't have to embark on a hunt for the meaning of our existence.

But it doesn't have to be either stay at your current job or spontaneously fly to Europe on an EAT PRAY LOVE mission.

Our brains actually have a positive intention for zoning in on this black and white mindset. We experience an overwhelming sense of fear in the unknown, and in an effort to reduce this discomfort, we try to simplify it for ourselves by creating two possible options so we can wrap our heads around what's going on (aka - we're a smart, evolved species that can problem solve and process info well).

However, that’s where most people get stuck. So here's the important part. Ya ready? You can start taking micro-steps toward a more in-flow life without having to quit your job.

Contrary to popular belief, not everything in your life has to be all rainbows and butterflies in order to feel fulfilled and reduce your stress levels.

Your life gets to be whatever you want it to be. Louder for the people in the back, "YOUR LIFE GETS TO BE WHATEVER YOU WANT IT TO BE."

And when you realize that you are the creator of your life and that stress does not equal success, you become limitless.

xo,

Em