Dating in the city

How do you know if someone is right for you or if they are wrong for you in all the right ways? They say opposites attract, but to what extent? How do you know if your differences will complement each other or just end up bringing friction to a relationship, ultimately creating barriers to establishing a deeper connection?

If you’ve been in the dating world for a while now, you’ve probably found yourself, at one point or another, saying something along the lines of: “ugh, I’m just so tired of this whole dating thing!” If that’s you, it might be time for a mindset shift. 

After many, many dates since I’ve been back in the city over the past year or so… or at least it feels that way… one thing that never seems to fail is the reaction I get from friends and family whenever I tell them I’m going on another date. It’s usually one of two responses:

“Ahh, good luck! Sooo, who’s this one? I can’t keep track anymore!” (I think this one is pretty comical because I can’t even keep track of them half the time... so I can’t blame them here.)

[OR]

“Em, I’m so proud of you for continuing to put yourself out there. It’s awesome.” (Almost like I’m getting a badge of honor for being courageous enough to not let one bad date or short-term fling prevent me from seeing what else is out there.)

But over time, these messages I was receiving from others… their constant encouragement to keep dating because you never know if he’ll be “the one”…. turned my dating life into a quantity over quality game. Instead of listening to my gut instinct about someone, I’d shove that little voice down and force myself to still go on that first date… ya know, just in case my intuition was wrong… Spoiler alert: it was never wrong.

I would constantly feel guilty about judging whether I want to go on a date with someone just based on their dating profile… “how could I possibly know whether or not I will enjoy being with him if I don’t give him an actual shot in-person…”

But after a few sessions with relationship coaches Bob + Shona, of We Meet Again Coaching, I quickly realized that every single time I went into a date with a mindset of “ugh, I already know he’s probably not the one, but I hope I’m wrong… who knows…”, it never worked out. And honestly, those were usually the dates where I would end up saying something like, “I’m not really feeling it between us and I don’t want to waste your time or mine” in the middle of our first date.

But it’s not like I was just going through men left and right. I’ve just reached a point in my life where if someone isn’t a good match for me, I can tell pretty quickly… usually about 5-10 minutes into the first date. It’s not always black and white, but I’m pretty in sync with my intuition in this arena.

So even when I was “iffy” about a guy from the beginning, I would tell myself that the worst that could happen is I get to the date, meet the person, and then I’ll know for sure and never have to wonder if I missed my one opportunity to meet my match. That was when I realized that going on all these dates was turning into a game of trying to gain control over the unknown. Going with the approach of trial and error to gain a sense of certainty in a space that is oh so uncertain… instead of just listening to my voice from within.

Listening to my intuition BEFORE going on the actual date was a GAMECHANGER for me. I removed any guilt I associated with judging a book by its cover and simply started engaging with someone whose vibes pulled me in from the beginning. If I already wasn’t feeling it with someone before I even walked out the door, it was time to say thank you, next.

I started applying this same idea when it came to going on a second or third date with someone. I’ve completely switched my mindset from “hmmm… I wonder if we could still work despite our differences…” and “hmmm… am I being too judgy?” to —> “Do I like the vibes he gives off, and do I like the energy I feel when I’m in his presence (both physically and virtually)? Does he make me feel nervous and jittery or excited in a calming way?”

It comes down to this - why waste your energy and brain space (and theirs) holding onto a person that you went on one or two dates with when you already knew in your core that they weren’t the one? That’s not doing either of you any favors. Deep inside, I believe we are all hopless romantics and don’t want to give up on love. But it’s important to remind yourself that there’s no pride in being able to say, “I gave it my best shot” when you didn’t even really align with what you were trying to shoot for in the first place.

This is about stepping into your worth and connecting with your inner knowing. Trusting that you are worthy of love and everything that you desire. And celebrating that no one has more insight and clarity about your wants and needs than you do.

As for me, all you need to know is that doing all of this mindset change around dating has brought me to a very happy place.

xo,

Em