I remember looking in the mirror...

When’s the last time you really looked at yourself? Like truly looked inward, through your eyes, deep into your soul?

This morning I had a big “aha” moment. I was listening to some holiday music, singing, being my goofy self, and dancing my booty off in front of the full-length mirror in my apartment (aka jumping up and down, swinging my hands all over the place, and probably doing the opposite of what most humans consider dancing, but I’m all for it).

The bright sunlight was shining through my balcony windows like a spotlight. And for that split second, I felt free. I felt free to be me. To move my body in whatever way I wanted, to be silly, to be weird, to not hide from the world around me. Yes, I was alone in my apartment, but I’ve never felt so grounded and seen than at that moment.

It might sound odd to feel “seen” when you’re dancing in your apartment with no one around watching you, but that’s actually where it all begins. I know this because I know what it feels like to get to a point where you feel so detached from who you are that you can’t see yourself at all. 

I remember looking in the mirror 8 years ago, not in a good headspace and 40 pounds heavier than I am today. I was disgusted at the woman looking back at me - wondering how the f*ck I got to this point.

Looking back, I realize that I wasn’t really disgusted by who I was. I was disgusted by the person I wasn’t. I was looking at myself, but I wasn’t seeing myself, I was hiding from that version of me.

The thing is, I wasn’t really looking at myself in that present moment. My head was flooded with thoughts and images of what I wanted to be, what I wanted to look like - and although it’s important to get specific with your goals, these comparative thoughts were slowly tearing me down.

It was also a way for me to escape the present. If I kept thinking about the future self that I “should” be, I was able to escape the here and now. I could pretend that this wasn’t my current reality. Not to mention it was also a great defense mechanism for not seeing myself for the woman I was at the time. If I kept hiding from myself, from my value as a human, if I kept choosing to not see myself for the woman I was at that moment in time, perhaps others wouldn’t see me either.

And to be honest, I didn’t want to be seen. By myself or others. 

At some point along the way, between all of the therapy, coaching, physical therapy appointments, breakups, and a bunch of other life transitions… I finally realized the spotlight gets to be on me… that I was actually able to shine my light on others once I allowed myself to unleash my light from within.

And when I allowed myself to see me for who I was, not who I thought I wanted to be, that’s when all the layers started shedding away (figuratively and literally), unveiling the true core of who I am and always have been, even when it was hard for me to see.

When was the last time you felt truly seen?

xo, Em